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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Another Trip... I Love Traveling!

Well, I pulled out my suit cases today and started packing for my week long trip to the NH mountains! I'm so excited to get away!! Bob and I have been on so many adventures over the years... we are always packing our suit cases and taking off some place, it's what we do. We're not the type to stay in one place for to long... we get bored if we're standing still. And life is for living... so why not go out there and live it... see the world, do things you've always wanted to do, and live life to the fullest! Bob and I have been talking about taking a cross country road trip next summer... which will be totally awesome! We figured we would drive the top half of the country to California.. then stay in Cali for a week or so and then drive the bottom half of the country to come back. We have been researching all the amazing things to see and do along the way... The last time I went across the country on a road trip I saw... The Gateway Arch in St. Louis, Meteor Crater in Arizona, The Oklahoma City National Memorial, honoring those killed during the Oklahoma City bombing, The Grand Canyon, Kansas City honoring the wizard of oz, Yosemite National Park in California, Gettysburg PA, Taos New Mexico that has breath taking mountains, Lincoln Memorial, Washington, D.C. , Redwood National Park, CA you haven't seen trees till you have been there!, San Antonio Texas, Mississippi River, Dinosaur Tracks in St. George Utah, Lake Tahoe, Nevada for the most beautiful lake in the world!! and so much more... and then when we reached California we visited Disneyland & Universal Studios, Hollywood, The Chinese Grumann theatre, the walk of fame on Hollywood Boulevard, Santa Monica pier, San Diego, Irvine (where I grew up) there is just so much to see and do across the country... every time you go your able to see different things, which is one thing I love about it! Going on a cross country road trip is a remarkably freeing experience!

And once Bob and I have the money... we plan on traveling out of this country... we want to go to Venice Italy, Paris France, Ireland, Sweden, Australia, Egypt, Belgium... there is so much we want to do and see... and why not go out and see those places. You only live once so you gotta do it right. There is a whole world out there... and I plan I seeing as much of it as I can! :)

Monday, July 20, 2009

Spring Cleaning In The Summer Time...

Lately my life has felt cluttered and a mess... and so I have been on a cleaning frenzy! After I cleaned my living room, I wondered to myself... "Why am i totally cleaning a room that will be torn apart tomorrow???" haha ohh well, and with this cleaning frenzy I have decided to switch around my furniture and make my place look different. I'm bored of the way it looks! And so it's time for me to start fresh.

And since the weather report says that it's going to rain all day with thunderstorms tomorrow... that puts sailing out of the question :( but, instead Chris and Amy are going to come over here... and the guys are going to move the furniture, and us girls are going to redecorate! I'm looking forward to the change... it's much needed.

I go away on vacation in 11 days... And I can't wait! I week long trip in NH is just what my soul needs! Sometimes when you get overwhelmed or tired of every day life getting out of the town really makes a big difference. And I think once I get back from my trip, I'll feel more like myself again.

So ya... breaks over, back to cleaning. Talk again later...

Sunday, July 19, 2009

I have traveled a long road from the battlefield to the peace table...

Lately I have been feeling like no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter what is going on that it's just not good enough. Over the years I have had my fair share of battles .... winning some and losing some, but I swore to myself I would not stoop down to that level again. I am 25 years old and I refuse to be stuck in the same old "drama" ... there is just NO reason for it...

*I'm not available every single day
*I don't talk to anyone except my mom and Bob every single day
*I don't come online on AIM every single day and most days it doesn't work anyway
*I have been babysitting on the side
*I have been planning a vacation that takes place in under two weeks
*I haven't been home most nights
*I spend my nights with my hubby usually, since he's around.
*I have been spending time with family
*I have been sailing
*I see other friends once a week if I'm lucky... since people are busy too

i am who i am... your approval isn't needed =]

*swallow your tears hide your frown never let life bring you down

*everyone has someone in their life that keeps them looking forward to another day

*sometimes its the smallest decisions that can change your life forever

*pain and suffering ends only when you want it to. put your past behind you and move forward. never back down form what life throws in your face.

*people too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage yours.

*control yourself or someone else will TRY control you.

*dream as if you'll live forever live as if you'll die tomorrow

*i don't forgive people because I'm weak i forgive them because i am strong enough to know people make mistakes

*you can't change the past but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future.

*it's my life & I'll live it how i want!!

*life's too short & nothing lasts forever. so live it up. drink it down. laugh it off. AVOID the bull shit & DRAMA & never have regrets. because at one point; what you did was exactly what you wanted.

*who are you to judge the life i live? I'M NOT PERFECT & I DON'T LIVE TO BE,
but before you start pointing fingers, make sure YOUR HANDS ARE CLEAN!!

*i am who i am and i won't change for anyone

*keep your head high, there are people who would kill to see you fall...

*i may not be perfect, but I'm always me....

Saturday, July 18, 2009

It's like one step forward and two steps back...

Not Meant To Be by Theory Of A Deadman

its NEVER enough to say i am sorry
Its NEVER enough to say I care
but I am caught between
what you wanted from me
and knowing if i give that to you
i might just disappear

Nobody wins when everyone's losing
oh, its like one step forward
and two steps back
no matter what i do your ALWAYS mad
and I can't change your mind
Oh, Its like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
and it's killing me and I,
I'm starting to see that
maybe we're not meant to be

Its never enough to say I love you
No, It's NEVER enough to say I try
Its hard to believe that there's
no way out for you and me.
And it seems to be
the story of our life.

Nobody wins when everyone's losing
Oh, Its like one step forward
and two steps back
NO MATTER what I do you're always mad
and I CAN'T change your mind, oh
Its like trying to turn around on a
on way street. I can't give
you what you want and its killing me
And I'm, I'm starting to see
that maybe we're not meant to be

There's still time to turn this around
should we be building this up
instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
maybe it's too late

It's like one step forward
and two steps back,
no matter what I do
you're ALWAYS mad and I
CAN'T change your mind oh
Its like trying to turn around on a
on way street. I can't give
you want you want and its killing me
And I finally see,
Baby we're not meant to be

It's like one step forward
and two steps back,
no matter what I do
you're always mad and I ...

I'm sorry to see,
Maybe we're not meant to be


Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do... I'm pushed up against a wall...

Sunday, July 12, 2009

photography Pictures, Images and Photos

As a kid I used to imagine the clouds were made of whipped cream. I love watching clouds it puts you in a place where only you can go and only you feel and it is awesome!

Laying on the grass watching the clouds roll by somehow makes you forget about life...about your problems... about anything going on.....

Lately I have felt like I am at some sort of crossroads, and don't know which path to choose. I dunno? But although I have been going through this, my husband has been my biggest fan, rooting me on and keeping me strong. And I want to thank him for that. No matter what goes on in my life... no matter good or bad, he's always there, without question. He's the one person who knows me the very BEST. There isn't anyone who knows me as well as him. He's my strength, when I feel weak. I love you baby!!

chose Pictures, Images and Photos

But... sometimes you stumble upon a crossroad... and it's never easy... but it's how you handle it that says the most....

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I put up walls, one by one Everytime I got hurt, another got done...

Summer 2009... I thought this summer was going to be filled with fun and laughter and awesome days and/or nights like last summer, I mean I have had fun here and there with friends and with Bob...

This summer I have been going through something... I haven't felt like myself at all. I have been feeling very down and sad. And I have no idea what triggered it or why I feel this way. But I have been keeping to myself mostly... I have never been one to want to burden others with my problems, I'm the type of person that deals with with things like this alone. I'm not one to want to talk about it.... It's just how I have always been.

The only person I have been talking to about it is Bob. I don't mean to shut others out but I have to deal with me and the way I have been feeling before anything else. I'm just trying to take one day at a time, that's all I can really do. My life is complicated and there is so many different things I have to deal with on a daily basis.

Like I said before I'm the type of person who keeps things inside and when I am good and ready to deal with things I will fall apart when I'm alone. I'm not a talker... I don't like talking about my problems. And I don't think that is ever going to change.

Sometimes I feel as if I don't fit in... sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough... Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly in a battle to defend myself... Sometimes I feel like others don't get me... sometimes I feel like these walls I have built around me will never get broken down... Sometimes I feel like I have been hurt so much in the past that I just don't trust fully... Sometimes I want to scream... Sometimes I want to cry... Sometimes I feel like I'm always being judged and seen as a totally different person that I really am...

This song says it the best...

Intro:
My bags were busted at the seams
I was fleeing from more than broken dreams
Had my one-way ticket to Neverland
where fairytales were forever banned.

Verse 1:
I put up walls, one by one
Everytime I got hurt, another got done.

Chorus:
There was something I’ve been meaning to do. (find you)
I’ve got 16 walls to break through (to love you)
Something’s got to give for me to take
so 16 walls are coming, coming down today.

Verse 2:
I stop to breathe, look for the view.
I got no response when I called out to you.
Fall to my knees and I collapse to the ground.
I try to scream but I can’t make a sound.

Chorus

Bridge:
Deep connection mixed with lust
mind heart body unanimous.

Verse 3:
There’s a clearing in front of me
a pile of rubble at my feet
One step over and now i’m free
I can be who I want and I want to just be.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Never apologize for being you...

Do you habitually give in to other people because you just can't stand the thought of upsetting them? Do you put your needs to one side because you get a buzz from someone else's happiness, only to find that he or she is not a bit grateful? If so, you are a classic "people pleaser," and you are, in all probability, not getting what you want out of life. It's time to shift the focus from others to yourself, and stop being a martyr.

Steps

1. Think of five times when you did or said something that did not truly reflect your wants and needs, in order to please someone else. Write them down. For each of these occasions, imagine how you would have handled it differently - to please yourself! What is the worst that could have happened? Write down your worst fears.

2. Look at your fears. Are they realistic? Are they truly terrible? You might be afraid that no one will like you, that someone will leave you, or that you will be left all alone if you don't say the right thing. That is a prison you have trapped yourself in, and it's time to unlock the doors and walk out! The people around you may be used to your compliance, but if they're not willing to accept that you have your own needs, are they really worth having in your life?

3. Examine your ability to set limits on others. Examine your boundaries. Where are they? What is acceptable behavior for you and what is unacceptable? Do you tolerate the intolerable? Normalize the abnormal? Accept the unacceptable? Do you know what it feels like to be treated with dignity and respect? Learn how to identify and label unacceptable treatment from others and how to set limits on their behavior when they violate your boundaries.

4. Consider the source. Many people pleasers were raised in environments wherein their needs and feelings were pushed aside/not considered. Were you always expected to anticipate, and to mold yourself to, everyone else's needs? Did you learn that the only way to receive a positive response was to do what others wanted you to do? If so, here's a newsflash: Not all the world wants a pushover. By focusing on pleasing others, you open yourself up to manipulation and abuse. You will never reach your potential as an individual if you constantly hide behind others' expectations.

5. Stop basing your self-worth on how much you do for other people. It's noble to want to help others, but it's something you should do because you want to, not because you feel you have to. The greatest acts of kindness are those done by choice, not out of fear or guilt. If you're doing things for others because you would feel bad if you didn't, is the action really genuine? Would you want others to help you under those terms? And, if you're helping others to such an extent that you are neglecting yourself, is that really wise?

6. Learn how to say "no." Don't make up excuses - give your reasons for not wanting something. So your husband wants his entire family to come to Christmas dinner, and you just can't face it? "I'm sorry darling, I find the pressure of entertaining such a large number of people intolerable." Your best friend wants you to go with her or him to a party that will be full of people that you can't stand? "No thank you, it's just not my scene." Start small - find something small to say "no" to, but say it firmly. Say it politely, but mean it! You'll be surprised; the world will not collapse around your ears! People rarely take offense, and those that do aren't worth pleasing.

7. Ask for what you want. If everybody's going to the movies, and most people in the group want to see a particular movie, but you'd rather watch something else, speak up! There's nothing wrong with voicing your opinion, and it doesn't have to mean you're making a demand. Simply reminding people that you're an individual with your own preferences is a big step forward. Even asking someone to help you do something will help.

Ultimately, you must remember that no one can read your mind. If you feel that you do so much for others, but they don't do anything for you, maybe it's because you don't express your needs or desires. It's not fair to make people pry an answer from you. If they ask you what you want, or if there's a decision being made, put in your opinion, and let that be that.

8. Do something for yourself. Do one thing you have been wanting to do, but are afraid someone else will not like. Dye your hair, get that tattoo, get a belly ring, go on holiday....whatever you do, do it for yourself, and practice not worrying what anyone else thinks about it. Don't get caught up in doing things just because no one else wants you to do them. Remember that there ought to be things that you truly want to do for yourself, regardless of what anyone else thinks, not in spite of it. Other people's opinions are a factor in our lives, but they should not be the determining factor.

9. Compromise. While it's not good to be a pushover, it's no better to be a manipulative bully or a reckless rebel. Don't become totally selfish. In fact, many people pleasers have low self-esteem. So do those who are selfish. It is best to develop good self-care skills, which include healthy assertiveness skills. You can listen to others, but ultimately, what you do is your choice. Keep a balance! Sometimes the needs of other people should come first. Whenever there's a conflict of desires, try to come up with a solution that will meet both desires halfway, or better yet, a "win-win" situation where both sides get even more than they bargained for.

Tips

* If you find yourself compromising your own needs, be aware that in the long run you are contradicting your people pleasing. If you don't take care of your needs, you will run out of fuel. You cannot burn all of your "fuel" on others. If you keep yourself up and running by doing what's best for you, then you will have enough "fuel" to do good for others.

* Have an affirmation pinned up where you will see it every day. "My needs are just as important as yours."

* Understand that kindness does not equate to "people pleasing", nor does unkindness equate to disagreement. It is possible to be both kind and to state your own needs. Don't label your standing up for yourself as being "unkind". It is not.

* Anticipate situations where you would normally "people please," by thinking about what you want and rehearsing your "lines."

* Don't worry if you slip back into your old ways occasionally - this is probably a lifelong habit, and it will take time to overcome.

* Remember that one of the best ways to take care of others is to take care of yourself first!

* Treat all people with politeness, dignity and respect. If they aren't nice to you (that is, if they do not treat you with politeness, dignity and respect), then consider limiting the relationship. Don't respond to rudeness with your own rudeness; it just perpetuates the problem.

* If you find that you begin most sentences with "I should" or "I ought", then you are operating from a position of weakness and people pleasing. We must do what we are called to do, what we are equipped to do, what we can afford to do financially and time wise, and what we choose to do. If we are gifted in an area and it is a delight to us, then we are robbing another by stepping in to fill another's position because of "need". The "need" does not constitute the "call." Let it lie and the right person to do the job will come forward. It is a bit like silence-if you just cannot bear a break in conversation, or if someone asks a question that no one answers, you are not responsible to fill that void. Bide your time, keep your course, maintain your position, don't accept manipulation, whether intended or not, to change your direction. Accept the burden you have been allowed to carry, do it well, help others along the way, but do not accept their responsibility as your own.

Warnings

* Some people may take time to adjust to the new you - don't apologize for being you, but be gentle with them!

* Some people may seem to reject the new you. Although you may have been afraid to change at first, understand that other people may be as well, and may not understand that their rejection is not so much aimed at you, as much as it is aimed at themselves. Just as you might have thought to reject your desires, so might others reject theirs, and yours in turn only because they think that is what is good for the both of you! Be patient with them. Just as you were capable of understanding that change is nothing to fear, others will come to realize this in time. You can do much to inspire people and calm their own fears by resisting your own.

* Some things you may want to do may not be workplace-safe. If you really need your job, think twice before mouthing off or getting a pink mohawk and 5 piercings, especially if you have to be at the investment bank in the morning.

* Don't blame others for your decision to change. Don't say "I had to do this because of you"! Remember, you are deciding to change for yourself.

* Note that expressing your own desires requires first your awareness of what they are, which requires conscious and consistent practice. For instance, your partner says "Let's have hamburgers for dinner" and you may really think "Whatever is fine by me" while, it is only "fine" because you never make that choice. Take the few extra seconds to consider it. Or, where do you go when you are alone? Tell him or her that's where you would like to go this time. Do not be concerned about what is a good opportunity to practice and what is not.