Summer 2009... I thought this summer was going to be filled with fun and laughter and awesome days and/or nights like last summer, I mean I have had fun here and there with friends and with Bob...
This summer I have been going through something... I haven't felt like myself at all. I have been feeling very down and sad. And I have no idea what triggered it or why I feel this way. But I have been keeping to myself mostly... I have never been one to want to burden others with my problems, I'm the type of person that deals with with things like this alone. I'm not one to want to talk about it.... It's just how I have always been.
The only person I have been talking to about it is Bob. I don't mean to shut others out but I have to deal with me and the way I have been feeling before anything else. I'm just trying to take one day at a time, that's all I can really do. My life is complicated and there is so many different things I have to deal with on a daily basis.
Like I said before I'm the type of person who keeps things inside and when I am good and ready to deal with things I will fall apart when I'm alone. I'm not a talker... I don't like talking about my problems. And I don't think that is ever going to change.
Sometimes I feel as if I don't fit in... sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough... Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly in a battle to defend myself... Sometimes I feel like others don't get me... sometimes I feel like these walls I have built around me will never get broken down... Sometimes I feel like I have been hurt so much in the past that I just don't trust fully... Sometimes I want to scream... Sometimes I want to cry... Sometimes I feel like I'm always being judged and seen as a totally different person that I really am...
This song says it the best...
Intro:
My bags were busted at the seams
I was fleeing from more than broken dreams
Had my one-way ticket to Neverland
where fairytales were forever banned.
Verse 1:
I put up walls, one by one
Everytime I got hurt, another got done.
Chorus:
There was something I’ve been meaning to do. (find you)
I’ve got 16 walls to break through (to love you)
Something’s got to give for me to take
so 16 walls are coming, coming down today.
Verse 2:
I stop to breathe, look for the view.
I got no response when I called out to you.
Fall to my knees and I collapse to the ground.
I try to scream but I can’t make a sound.
Chorus
Bridge:
Deep connection mixed with lust
mind heart body unanimous.
Verse 3:
There’s a clearing in front of me
a pile of rubble at my feet
One step over and now i’m free
I can be who I want and I want to just be.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I put up walls, one by one Everytime I got hurt, another got done...
Posted by Amy Lavoie Photography at 6:31 AM
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3 comments:
I think everyone goes through periods of time like this. It's always best to deal with it how you see fit and rely on the person you trust the most and always confine in them so you don't break apart. Whatever it is you'll work through it with bob.
that is a really amazing and touching song, i was wondering if it was you that wrote that?
the song is called:
16 Walls
by Cheryl B. Engelhardt
And I know that I'll be okay... I just need to take one day at a time and remember to smile and take a deep breath sometimes. I think a lot of it has to do with having way to much time to myself... to much time to think. It's pretty sad that I have the whole summer off but I am looking forward to going back to work and being busy again. I think I just have to much down time. I'll be okay... I know I will. It just sucks when you get into a slump like this. But Mel, Honestly... thank you for understanding and for being there today. Like I said before... sorry for making you feeling like I was pushing away. I just was trying to deal.
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