Toxic Friends: Less Friend, More Foe

They put you down and expect you to pick them up, or drain the life right out of you for their own gain. With toxic friends like these, who needs enemies?

Toxic friends stress you out, use you, are unreliable, are overly demanding, and don't give anything back. While a toxic friend doesn't have to lay claim to all of these charming characteristics, they do seem to bring on their nasty behavior on a consistent basis, as opposed to those of us who just have a bad day once in a while and take it out on some of the people we care about the most. I would say it's someone who, after spending time with them, makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you -- sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally, and they're not very good for you.

You cross the line from helping a friend in need to helping a friend who is always needy when that friend is abusive. If your friend is asking for support, that's very different from someone who constantly asks for support and is constantly mean and abusive. These signs tell you someone is less friend, more foe. And not surprisingly, it's women who are more likely to be toxic than men. So when your gal pal turns sour and stays that way, you need to start taking control of the relationship if there's any hope of saving it.

You know you have a problem with someone when your nontoxic friends start telling you, "Every time you hang out with that person, you're in a bad mood." Or the phone rings, you see it's your toxic friend, and you conveniently go to the bathroom. But despite these warning signs, you don't do anything about it. Why? Because you're trapped.

One of the characteristics of a toxic friendship is that the good friend feels she can't extricate herself from the relationship. Whether it's on the phone, in person, or from the friendship entirely, you feel like you are trapped, you're being taken advantage of and you can't resolve the problem one way or another. Whether the feeling of entrapment has to do with history -- you've been friends with the person since a young age...or you feel she has no one else to turn to and you need to stand by her through thick or thin, you need to take action to help your friend, and yourself.

1) Recognize the toxicity - The first step is to recognize that the person is toxic, or at least that the relationship is toxic. They might not be a toxic friend to others but they are to you.

2) Take responsibility - By continuing a toxic friendship, you're allowing your friend to hurt you, but you're also hurting yourself. "You have to take some degree of responsibility for the situation. It's a pleaser personality -- you want people to like you, you want to get along, and it's hard to say no. But you can pay the price in one way by having toxic friends. So even though we want to help our friends and have them rely on us in troubling times, take responsibility for toxic friendships and how they make you feel.

3) Set boundaries - Make good boundaries for yourself. Start taking better care of yourself and make your own self-care more important than pleasing the toxic friend. Say no when she asks you for something that you don't want to give, and call her out when she is mean or critical to you.

4) Talk to your nontoxic friends - Talk to other people who may not have a vested interest in your toxic friendship. People who can give you an objective opinion regarding whether the friendship is salvageable and whether you can manage the toxic friend to neutralize the toxicity, or if you need to end the relationship.

5) Suggest professional help - A toxic friend might need professional help at some point to help her get her career, emotions, or family back on track. How do you approach such a touchy subject? If you point out to your friend how she is treating you and ask her to stop, and she continues to do it, you need to take it to the next level, Say to her, 'I know you are a good person, but maybe you want to seek help.' But keep in mind that if it has gone to that level, and a friendship is that toxic, it's going to be destroyed at some point anyway. Better you make an effort to help your friend address her issues.

6) End the friendship - It's difficult to end a friendship. Breaking up with anyone, whether it's a spouse, love relationship, or a friend, is not fun. It's even more important in this kind of context. In contrast to a love relationship in which you recognize you aren't compatible, this type of relationships is hurting you. It's bad enough when a person has to deal with a toxic friend firsthand but when the toxicity is impacting not you personally, but someone you love, like a spouse or a friend, it can be even harder. How do you handle it? As much as you want to jump in and help, sometimes patience is key.

Work Cited: By Heather Hatfield WebMD Feature

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends and Family...

It's been a week and one day since we lost our angel, why does it seem as if time is crawling by? I have been getting myself out of the house and doing things with my daughter and friends in hopes of distracting myself and for the most part I do but there is always the part of me that can't seem to not think of what happened. A part of me feels so broken and looking for answers. My heart is always aching, my mind is always wondering "what if."

But thank goodness for my friends, they have truly been amazing. They have been taking turns checking on me, been taking me out to dinner or out on day trips, been leaving me messages and been a wonderful support system and I don't know what I would do without all of them. You truly find out who your true friends are when something awful happens in your life and when you feel like you can't go on. And because of them I have been able to find strength that I didn't know that I had. They have allowed me to cry, to talk, to get angry and to feel down right awful when I needed to and they have understood and that means the most to me. It's not every day you find friends who understand but also care 110%

The other support system that I have is my husband and my family, I don't know what I would do without all of them. My husband has seen me through my darkest times, he was there to let me cry and to tell me everything was going to be okay, he was there in the days that followed and understood that I just needed some time to myself. He was there during the nights that I fell apart and told me it was okay to fall apart and okay to not put on a brave face all the time. He has been so supportive and I feel so lucky to have such an amazing husband.

My mom and my family have also been a big support system and have truly showed me the power of family when you are going through a rough time in life. They all have let me know that I am not alone in this and that if I am hurting so are all of them. They have been there to listen to me, to encourage me and to make sure that I was healthy after my miscarriage. Each and every one of them have opened their heart up to me and have allowed me to grieve and have been there and I am so thankful for that.

Speaking of friends my friend Erika is taking me and my daughter out for the day to get me out of the house so I have to be going, talk again later.

-Amy

It's Only Been A Week...

On Friday I went to the doctor... laid on the very same table that I got my first glance of our baby a few days prior and this time they were making sure our baby was gone. I laid on the table with tears streaming down my face... It didn't seem fair at all and all I wanted to do was run screaming in the other direction. But they said that there was no damage done to my uterus and that we can start trying for another baby right after my next period cycle. We are anxious to try again... but now a part of me is terrified of going through this again. I think I will be scared till I deliver a healthy baby and once we do we are done having kids, 2 is plenty for us.

It has now been a full week since we lost our baby... it seems like it's been months... time is dragging on so slowly and waiting a month to try again seems so far away right now. I have made it through a couple days now without crying but I have been on the verge a couple times now... I just want to feel better more than anything. I truly feel like I am just going through the motions of life and trying to do normal things but I often feel like I have to force myself into doing normal things. But leaning on my friends who have been there has been a good thing and they have been so supportive as I have been going through this.

It amazes me how many people don't acknowledge their miscarriage or anyone else's. For so long talking about having a miscarriage was almost unspeakable. But now a days it's so important to speak out and make the world aware that they are not alone in this. If I learned anything since having my miscarriage it's that so many people I am friends with have gone though this, and that is something I didn't know about most of them. It's almost like unspeakable pain but I am a person who needs to talk about things and to get those feelings out and I wont stay quiet. And no matter when you lost your baby... 5 weeks, 6, weeks, 10 weeks, 20 weeks, 40 weeks... you still lost your baby and that baby and pregnancy deserves to be acknowledged. I have no respect for anyone who pretty much makes you feel badly for grieving and tells you it wasn't a baby because you were early on. I mean, how heartless is that statement and how wrong! I have cut my ties from people who have been rude like that to me. Why should I put my feelings out there to them when they don't truly care?

I found this video that I found really comforting http://pinterest.com/pin/27021666484554780/

Well, I've gotta run... talk again later

-Amy

The Last Step To This Nightmare...

Today I go to the doctors and get my uterus checked and everything else checked to make sure I am okay and that inside my body is okay from my miscarriage. I am having some serious anxiety about going into that office. I am tired of re-living this nightmare over and over and over again. I know they have to do this stuff to be sure everything is okay with me but it doesn't make the healing process any easier.

In under a week this is the office where excited doctors and nurses confirmed I was pregnant and were so excited... And then it's the office where my heart shattered on the floor and my world came to a screeching halt. Where my life changed forever... I am having some serious anxiety about going today but I have to and I know that...

At least after this appointment I will know when we can try for a baby again... although now I am terrified that this could happen again and I don't think I will enjoy my next pregnancy as much as I did with my daughter because I will be worried the whole time. But I do hope to have a healthy and normal pregnancy soon.

Well, I have to go get ready for my appointment... anyone want to go for me?

-Amy

Numb...

Today I feel numb... I don't know if that is a good thing or not but I feel totally numb. I want to cry but I can't... I want to be happy but I can't. I want to feel better but I can't. Today is father's day... a day that I truly hate, it's a day to remember my dad who passed away not making my sadness any better. But why do I feel sad about not being able to celebrate fathers day with my dad yet I can't cry?

The times I cry have been when I am along with my thoughts... during the day I feel like I am going through the motions of life yet I am not truly involved in it. I have switched gears from sad all the time to angry over what happened. I know this is all part of the healing process...

I go tomorrow to the doctor for the final step of this nightmare. At least tomorrow I will know when we can start trying again. I just want to get pregnant again... am I fearful that this will happen again, of course! But I know we are meant to have more kids and we will. I know June 12th will forever be etched in my memory... I know once I get pregnant again that this sadness will fade but I will never forget the baby that I lost. I will always wonder if it was a girl or boy, who he or she would have become, what he or she would have looked like... but I know I will find healing and peace once we get pregnant again. I just want to feel better and I want to be happy again.

I find it very difficult to be around pregnant people and babies right now. was at the mall yesterday and a pregnant women came walking past be toward the end of her pregnancy and I wanted to cry. I quickly darted the other way. I avoided the maternity section of the store that I loved browsing and I avoided the baby section as well... I felt like I was acting crazy but I just can't right now.

The sun is shining today and I feel like a dark cloud is over my head following me around... I hate this feeling. I hate that I feel numb today...

A Night Out...

Mom took me out for the afternoon... we took Josephine to ballet and then went to North Kingstown to get my daughters riding gear for horse camp that she starts this week and then we went over to the Providence Place Mall where we shopped and had some pink Berry. Then this evening I threw myself back into work and went out and did a photo shoot which totally distracted me from my life which I needed. Getting totally lost in my camera and the art of what I love is what I needed tonight.

My friend Erika took me out tonight for dinner at one of our favorite Mexican food places to eat. There was 5 of us and we ended up ordering 3 pitchers of margaritas and yes I may feel good but honestly I needed a night to let loose and to forget about what is going on in my life. No, booze is not the answer but honestly I just needed a night to let lose and to lose control of my sad feelings. I needed a night to get lost in who I was before this all happened and just laugh and smile, it felt nice to just let go, I needed to let go and just worry about the moment and not what is going on. Sometimes we just need a night to forget and to let go even for a short time...

I am hurting... and just needed to forget for a short time, cant hold that against me... I just want to feel better. ::sigh::

Another day...

I've been told that only time will heal what happened... how much time? I may not have been that far along but that baby was a part of me and my husband and that will never change. I am so sad and I don't know what to do with myself... To go from being pregnant and the baby was fine at the beginning of the week to not being pregnant and I miscarried half way through the week is a lot to handle. We were so excited to be welcoming our second child, it just doesn't seem fair.

I am quickly going from distraught to angry with God for this happening. I mean, we all need someone to blame. I can't even step foot in church this Sunday, I know if I do I will get fall to pieces. I don't think I can handle the sad faces and the "I'm sorry's"... I know I can't handle that at all. This wasn't supposed to happen, why? I am terrified of this happening again once we start trying again. I am so scared of feeling pain like this again. I feel so helpless and so empty, all I want to do is cry. I just feel so broken and my heart is in pieces on the floor.

I have to go to the doctor today for more blood work... I don't want to go, being there hurts right now. I don't want to keep re-living this nightmare!! I go back next week too, to check my uterus and ovaries to make sure I am okay after everything happened... How do you sit in the waiting room with all these happy pregnant women without losing it? And then going into the exam room and hearing "I'm sorry" from the nurses and doctors... I don't know how I am going to deal with that. why!!?? why did this happen!!!???

I want more than anything to get pregnant again... but I am scared. I keep re-living the day I found out I miscarried over and over in my head. I can't erase that awful memory from my memory. That was the longest day of my life... it felt like life was moving in slow motion. I still do... I don't feel like me and I don't know what to do...

I just want to feel like me again... but a piece of me is missing now...