Another day...

I've been told that only time will heal what happened... how much time? I may not have been that far along but that baby was a part of me and my husband and that will never change. I am so sad and I don't know what to do with myself... To go from being pregnant and the baby was fine at the beginning of the week to not being pregnant and I miscarried half way through the week is a lot to handle. We were so excited to be welcoming our second child, it just doesn't seem fair.

I am quickly going from distraught to angry with God for this happening. I mean, we all need someone to blame. I can't even step foot in church this Sunday, I know if I do I will get fall to pieces. I don't think I can handle the sad faces and the "I'm sorry's"... I know I can't handle that at all. This wasn't supposed to happen, why? I am terrified of this happening again once we start trying again. I am so scared of feeling pain like this again. I feel so helpless and so empty, all I want to do is cry. I just feel so broken and my heart is in pieces on the floor.

I have to go to the doctor today for more blood work... I don't want to go, being there hurts right now. I don't want to keep re-living this nightmare!! I go back next week too, to check my uterus and ovaries to make sure I am okay after everything happened... How do you sit in the waiting room with all these happy pregnant women without losing it? And then going into the exam room and hearing "I'm sorry" from the nurses and doctors... I don't know how I am going to deal with that. why!!?? why did this happen!!!???

I want more than anything to get pregnant again... but I am scared. I keep re-living the day I found out I miscarried over and over in my head. I can't erase that awful memory from my memory. That was the longest day of my life... it felt like life was moving in slow motion. I still do... I don't feel like me and I don't know what to do...

I just want to feel like me again... but a piece of me is missing now...