I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends and Family...

It's been a week and one day since we lost our angel, why does it seem as if time is crawling by? I have been getting myself out of the house and doing things with my daughter and friends in hopes of distracting myself and for the most part I do but there is always the part of me that can't seem to not think of what happened. A part of me feels so broken and looking for answers. My heart is always aching, my mind is always wondering "what if."

But thank goodness for my friends, they have truly been amazing. They have been taking turns checking on me, been taking me out to dinner or out on day trips, been leaving me messages and been a wonderful support system and I don't know what I would do without all of them. You truly find out who your true friends are when something awful happens in your life and when you feel like you can't go on. And because of them I have been able to find strength that I didn't know that I had. They have allowed me to cry, to talk, to get angry and to feel down right awful when I needed to and they have understood and that means the most to me. It's not every day you find friends who understand but also care 110%

The other support system that I have is my husband and my family, I don't know what I would do without all of them. My husband has seen me through my darkest times, he was there to let me cry and to tell me everything was going to be okay, he was there in the days that followed and understood that I just needed some time to myself. He was there during the nights that I fell apart and told me it was okay to fall apart and okay to not put on a brave face all the time. He has been so supportive and I feel so lucky to have such an amazing husband.

My mom and my family have also been a big support system and have truly showed me the power of family when you are going through a rough time in life. They all have let me know that I am not alone in this and that if I am hurting so are all of them. They have been there to listen to me, to encourage me and to make sure that I was healthy after my miscarriage. Each and every one of them have opened their heart up to me and have allowed me to grieve and have been there and I am so thankful for that.

Speaking of friends my friend Erika is taking me and my daughter out for the day to get me out of the house so I have to be going, talk again later.

-Amy

It's Only Been A Week...

On Friday I went to the doctor... laid on the very same table that I got my first glance of our baby a few days prior and this time they were making sure our baby was gone. I laid on the table with tears streaming down my face... It didn't seem fair at all and all I wanted to do was run screaming in the other direction. But they said that there was no damage done to my uterus and that we can start trying for another baby right after my next period cycle. We are anxious to try again... but now a part of me is terrified of going through this again. I think I will be scared till I deliver a healthy baby and once we do we are done having kids, 2 is plenty for us.

It has now been a full week since we lost our baby... it seems like it's been months... time is dragging on so slowly and waiting a month to try again seems so far away right now. I have made it through a couple days now without crying but I have been on the verge a couple times now... I just want to feel better more than anything. I truly feel like I am just going through the motions of life and trying to do normal things but I often feel like I have to force myself into doing normal things. But leaning on my friends who have been there has been a good thing and they have been so supportive as I have been going through this.

It amazes me how many people don't acknowledge their miscarriage or anyone else's. For so long talking about having a miscarriage was almost unspeakable. But now a days it's so important to speak out and make the world aware that they are not alone in this. If I learned anything since having my miscarriage it's that so many people I am friends with have gone though this, and that is something I didn't know about most of them. It's almost like unspeakable pain but I am a person who needs to talk about things and to get those feelings out and I wont stay quiet. And no matter when you lost your baby... 5 weeks, 6, weeks, 10 weeks, 20 weeks, 40 weeks... you still lost your baby and that baby and pregnancy deserves to be acknowledged. I have no respect for anyone who pretty much makes you feel badly for grieving and tells you it wasn't a baby because you were early on. I mean, how heartless is that statement and how wrong! I have cut my ties from people who have been rude like that to me. Why should I put my feelings out there to them when they don't truly care?

I found this video that I found really comforting http://pinterest.com/pin/27021666484554780/

Well, I've gotta run... talk again later

-Amy

The Last Step To This Nightmare...

Today I go to the doctors and get my uterus checked and everything else checked to make sure I am okay and that inside my body is okay from my miscarriage. I am having some serious anxiety about going into that office. I am tired of re-living this nightmare over and over and over again. I know they have to do this stuff to be sure everything is okay with me but it doesn't make the healing process any easier.

In under a week this is the office where excited doctors and nurses confirmed I was pregnant and were so excited... And then it's the office where my heart shattered on the floor and my world came to a screeching halt. Where my life changed forever... I am having some serious anxiety about going today but I have to and I know that...

At least after this appointment I will know when we can try for a baby again... although now I am terrified that this could happen again and I don't think I will enjoy my next pregnancy as much as I did with my daughter because I will be worried the whole time. But I do hope to have a healthy and normal pregnancy soon.

Well, I have to go get ready for my appointment... anyone want to go for me?

-Amy

Numb...

Today I feel numb... I don't know if that is a good thing or not but I feel totally numb. I want to cry but I can't... I want to be happy but I can't. I want to feel better but I can't. Today is father's day... a day that I truly hate, it's a day to remember my dad who passed away not making my sadness any better. But why do I feel sad about not being able to celebrate fathers day with my dad yet I can't cry?

The times I cry have been when I am along with my thoughts... during the day I feel like I am going through the motions of life yet I am not truly involved in it. I have switched gears from sad all the time to angry over what happened. I know this is all part of the healing process...

I go tomorrow to the doctor for the final step of this nightmare. At least tomorrow I will know when we can start trying again. I just want to get pregnant again... am I fearful that this will happen again, of course! But I know we are meant to have more kids and we will. I know June 12th will forever be etched in my memory... I know once I get pregnant again that this sadness will fade but I will never forget the baby that I lost. I will always wonder if it was a girl or boy, who he or she would have become, what he or she would have looked like... but I know I will find healing and peace once we get pregnant again. I just want to feel better and I want to be happy again.

I find it very difficult to be around pregnant people and babies right now. was at the mall yesterday and a pregnant women came walking past be toward the end of her pregnancy and I wanted to cry. I quickly darted the other way. I avoided the maternity section of the store that I loved browsing and I avoided the baby section as well... I felt like I was acting crazy but I just can't right now.

The sun is shining today and I feel like a dark cloud is over my head following me around... I hate this feeling. I hate that I feel numb today...

A Night Out...

Mom took me out for the afternoon... we took Josephine to ballet and then went to North Kingstown to get my daughters riding gear for horse camp that she starts this week and then we went over to the Providence Place Mall where we shopped and had some pink Berry. Then this evening I threw myself back into work and went out and did a photo shoot which totally distracted me from my life which I needed. Getting totally lost in my camera and the art of what I love is what I needed tonight.

My friend Erika took me out tonight for dinner at one of our favorite Mexican food places to eat. There was 5 of us and we ended up ordering 3 pitchers of margaritas and yes I may feel good but honestly I needed a night to let loose and to forget about what is going on in my life. No, booze is not the answer but honestly I just needed a night to let lose and to lose control of my sad feelings. I needed a night to get lost in who I was before this all happened and just laugh and smile, it felt nice to just let go, I needed to let go and just worry about the moment and not what is going on. Sometimes we just need a night to forget and to let go even for a short time...

I am hurting... and just needed to forget for a short time, cant hold that against me... I just want to feel better. ::sigh::

Another day...

I've been told that only time will heal what happened... how much time? I may not have been that far along but that baby was a part of me and my husband and that will never change. I am so sad and I don't know what to do with myself... To go from being pregnant and the baby was fine at the beginning of the week to not being pregnant and I miscarried half way through the week is a lot to handle. We were so excited to be welcoming our second child, it just doesn't seem fair.

I am quickly going from distraught to angry with God for this happening. I mean, we all need someone to blame. I can't even step foot in church this Sunday, I know if I do I will get fall to pieces. I don't think I can handle the sad faces and the "I'm sorry's"... I know I can't handle that at all. This wasn't supposed to happen, why? I am terrified of this happening again once we start trying again. I am so scared of feeling pain like this again. I feel so helpless and so empty, all I want to do is cry. I just feel so broken and my heart is in pieces on the floor.

I have to go to the doctor today for more blood work... I don't want to go, being there hurts right now. I don't want to keep re-living this nightmare!! I go back next week too, to check my uterus and ovaries to make sure I am okay after everything happened... How do you sit in the waiting room with all these happy pregnant women without losing it? And then going into the exam room and hearing "I'm sorry" from the nurses and doctors... I don't know how I am going to deal with that. why!!?? why did this happen!!!???

I want more than anything to get pregnant again... but I am scared. I keep re-living the day I found out I miscarried over and over in my head. I can't erase that awful memory from my memory. That was the longest day of my life... it felt like life was moving in slow motion. I still do... I don't feel like me and I don't know what to do...

I just want to feel like me again... but a piece of me is missing now...

Online Support Group...

Today I joined an online support group called "Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss" it's been helpful to talk to people who are going through what I am right now and have. I don't know what else to do with myself, I feel so broken and so sad all of the time. I went food shopping today and people would smile at me just passing by and I would smile back but it felt so forced. I found myself wandering up and down the isles of food in a complete fog. I thought getting out of the house would be good... but honestly I felt like I was a zombie or something... I felt like I was outside looking in on the world watching everyone else living their lives yet there I was wanting to scream and yell and cry. I made it through food shopping in one piece... until I got back into the car to drive home. I lost it and started crying again. It's the times that I am sitting in silence with my thoughts and feel the aching in my heart that breaks me down.

I got home and put all the food away and wanted more than anything to just lay down and curl up under my blanket and hide from the world but I couldn't and I knew that. Because of my three year old daughter I knew I had to keep pushing myself to be okay for her the best that I could. I ended up going down stairs and spending some time with my sister in law and nephew... I thought that is what would help but it didn't, I felt strange feeling uncomfortable around someone who I see and spend time with all the time but feeling like I am I just wanted to be alone with my daughter just me and her. We ended up staying till after dinner and then coming back home. I gave my daughter and bath and hubby put her to bed... hubby thinks getting back into my routines will help me to get out of this funk. I know he is worried about me right now and everything that I am going through and I know he is hurting too and is trying to stay strong for me. We are both heart broken and I am so thankful for my husband and how he has been here 110% through all of this. He has been my shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen and understand and I couldn't thank him enough for being such an amazing husband. He is truly my rock and has been there through most the hard times in my life and that means the world to me.

I know in a month we can try again for another baby, and am I scared to feel this much pain again, yes but that wont stop us from trying for another baby, we are meant to expand out family and we will. Our families and friends have been so supportive through all of this. And as much as I wasn't taking many phone calls yesterday when everything happened I hope that each and every one of them know how much it means to us that they were all there for us when we needed it the most.

But right now... I just feel broken and empty and sad. As I sit here I am wiping tears from my eyes. I pray that this feeling with subside and I'll be able to smile and mean it again soon but until then I hope the ones I love understand why I may not want to do things or talk. This is my outlet and this is where I release my thoughts, often I am a closed book and I couldn't put half of what I am feeling into words but I am trying my best to put my thoughts here in black and white.

I think I am going to head to bed early and get some rest, I slept awful last night. My body actually hurts and aches due to the stress I have been under. I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep... it seems that sleeping is the only time I don't have to feel this sadness and ache in my heart. Please say a prayer that this pain will subside soon...

-Amy