Online Support Group...

Today I joined an online support group called "Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss" it's been helpful to talk to people who are going through what I am right now and have. I don't know what else to do with myself, I feel so broken and so sad all of the time. I went food shopping today and people would smile at me just passing by and I would smile back but it felt so forced. I found myself wandering up and down the isles of food in a complete fog. I thought getting out of the house would be good... but honestly I felt like I was a zombie or something... I felt like I was outside looking in on the world watching everyone else living their lives yet there I was wanting to scream and yell and cry. I made it through food shopping in one piece... until I got back into the car to drive home. I lost it and started crying again. It's the times that I am sitting in silence with my thoughts and feel the aching in my heart that breaks me down.

I got home and put all the food away and wanted more than anything to just lay down and curl up under my blanket and hide from the world but I couldn't and I knew that. Because of my three year old daughter I knew I had to keep pushing myself to be okay for her the best that I could. I ended up going down stairs and spending some time with my sister in law and nephew... I thought that is what would help but it didn't, I felt strange feeling uncomfortable around someone who I see and spend time with all the time but feeling like I am I just wanted to be alone with my daughter just me and her. We ended up staying till after dinner and then coming back home. I gave my daughter and bath and hubby put her to bed... hubby thinks getting back into my routines will help me to get out of this funk. I know he is worried about me right now and everything that I am going through and I know he is hurting too and is trying to stay strong for me. We are both heart broken and I am so thankful for my husband and how he has been here 110% through all of this. He has been my shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen and understand and I couldn't thank him enough for being such an amazing husband. He is truly my rock and has been there through most the hard times in my life and that means the world to me.

I know in a month we can try again for another baby, and am I scared to feel this much pain again, yes but that wont stop us from trying for another baby, we are meant to expand out family and we will. Our families and friends have been so supportive through all of this. And as much as I wasn't taking many phone calls yesterday when everything happened I hope that each and every one of them know how much it means to us that they were all there for us when we needed it the most.

But right now... I just feel broken and empty and sad. As I sit here I am wiping tears from my eyes. I pray that this feeling with subside and I'll be able to smile and mean it again soon but until then I hope the ones I love understand why I may not want to do things or talk. This is my outlet and this is where I release my thoughts, often I am a closed book and I couldn't put half of what I am feeling into words but I am trying my best to put my thoughts here in black and white.

I think I am going to head to bed early and get some rest, I slept awful last night. My body actually hurts and aches due to the stress I have been under. I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep... it seems that sleeping is the only time I don't have to feel this sadness and ache in my heart. Please say a prayer that this pain will subside soon...

-Amy