so after bleeding and doctors appointments I found out this afternoon that my hormone level dropped from a 385 to 104 and my level should have been at least at a 770 so they think that I am miscarrying this baby...
they think because I got the IUD out April 16th and was pregnant by may 1st that the lining of my uterus was just not sticky enough to hold a baby so when it grew it tore off because the IUD thins the lining of your uterus to avoid pregnancy. so they said a month after a period it will be back to normal...
Hearing the doctors say "you've lost the baby" like you've lost your keys was the strangest thing to me... I was hearing the words but not believing a word of it. It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest at that very moment... I fell apart sobbing. I kept saying that I did everything right how could this have happened... and there was nothing the doctor could have said that would have made anything better or different but at that moment I needed some sort of answer... I am not sure what I was hoping to hear but I needed something.
I go back tomorrow for more blood work... to have to keep re-living this nightmare seems like slow torture and I am having anxiety just thinking about going there tomorrow. I don't even know what to do with myself I can't stop crying... I went to bed early last night and woke up and as soon as I opened my eyes I started sobbing again. A part of me wanted to wake up and realize that this was all just a bad dream that it wasn't real but the reality hit me like a brick wall this morning. I crept out of bed at 5am when the house was dark and quiet and sat on the couch crying. I feel like a part of me has been taken away and to have no control over it is the worst part. There was nothing I could have possibly done to save our baby and that is the worst part. As a mother you always have that control of having some sort of control and what that control is taken away it's an awful feeling.
I think today I am going to go food shopping with my daughter and bringing a three year old to the market is often stressful but I need that time with her to quiet my mind for a bit and to keep busy. I think keeping busy is going to be the only way to pull through this. I don't know what else to do honestly... I am hurting... I feel depressed... I feel defeated and I feel broken. How am I ever going to move forward completely? I am not sure...
I was online this morning and found this tattoo that I think I am going to get in memory of the baby we just lost. This baby will always be a part of me and my husband and I will never forget our little angel that was taken too soon.
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